Journey Beyond Divorce
(and Relationship Endings)
A compassionate 12-video journey to help you breathe emotionally again with Peace, Joy and Love, regain clarity, and start rebuilding your life after divorce or a significant relationship ending.
Rooted in my nine years of co-facilitating over 30 in-person Divorce Recovery Support Groups.
Why Journey Beyond Divorce
I’m Ronnie Kaufman. For over nine years, I co-facilitated more than thirty 10-week Divorce Recovery support groups, walking alongside hundreds of people through one of life’s toughest journeys.
The Journey Beyond Divorce Video lessons are directly rooted in that work. They offer a clear, compassionate roadmap to help you ...
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navigate the emotional storm of divorce
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face the hard decisions with more confidence
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and build a daily life grounded in inner calm, heartfelt happiness, and soulful connection
How These Video Lessons Were Created
My original 12 Lessons of Divorce Recovery became the foundation for this video series. Using the NotebookLM Explainer tool, each video was created with care and clarity ... and fully reviewed and approved by me.
#4A474
Reclaiming Your Life
Journey Beyond Divorce guides you through the journey of divorce … from the painful unraveling of Endings to the steady rise of a New Beginning.
All 13 video lessons are free to watch, and you can take them at your own pace. Start with the Introduction video for an overview… or jump to the lesson that meets you where you are today.
Each 5-7 minute video offers clarity, grounding, and practical guidance to help you heal, rebuild, and discover a new way of living… with more peace, joy, and love.
If you’d like support as you move through this chapter of your life, you’re welcome to request a free 20–40 minute Clarity Session with me.
You don’t have to carry this alone. I’m here to help.
Intro Video-Journey Beyond Divorce·5:58
Introduction Briefing - Journey Beyond Divorce
The 12-lesson video series, "Journey Beyond Divorce" program is dedicated to those who have made it through divorce, are currently going through it, or are experiencing the painful journey of relationship endings. In Part-I, Endings, the lessons address core emotional challenges, including recognizing the five types of loss experienced during divorce, managing fear and anger, and finding positive ways to cope with loneliness. In Part-II, New Beginnings, the lessons emphasize essential life strategies for long-term emotional health focusing on cultivating forgiveness and acceptance, rebuilding trust, exploring the power of vulnerability, and setting healthy personal boundaries to move into a peaceful and joyful future.
A warm overview to help you understand what this path offers and how it can support you.
Divorce Ending Lessons 1-7
1. The 3 Transitional Journeys of Divorce·6:56
Lesson 1 Briefing - The 3 Transitional Journeys of Divorce
The process of healing from a divorce or relationship ending is described as three transitional journeys: 1. ENDINGS (Healing Emotional Wounds): •Described as the "most difficult to leave" and an "emotional rollercoaster ride" with deep sadness, anger, and hurt. •Essential Focus: Dealing with practical matters, grieving losses, finding a divorce support group, and beginning the practice of saying "Good-Bye." 2. NEUTRAL ZONE (Peaceful Acceptance): •A period of "self-reflection and exploration" without judgment, feeling like a transition from chaos to peaceful acceptance. •Essential Focus: Self-reflection, handling practical matters, clarifying grieving, and continuing to get recovery support. 3. NEW BEGINNINGS (Discoveries and Awakenings): •The most important journey, setting the stage for the "New You" and a future filled with Peace, Joy, and Love. •Essential Focus: Saying "Hello" to the New You, refining practical matters, reducing the frequency of deep grieving, and finding new support for personal growth. Insights on Support SUPPORT GROUP •A healthy divorce recovery support group consists of individuals with common challenges providing emotional and moral support, often led by a facilitator. •While family and friends can offer "temporarily comforting support," it is "normally not the recommended support that moves you forward." •Seeking help from a professional, such as a divorce psychologist or coach, is also an option. QUOTE: “Accept yourself, love yourself and keep moving forward. If you want to fly, you must give up what weighs you down.” - Roy T. Bennett QUESTIONS To CONSIDER 1.What are the losses you have experienced and how does it make you feel? 2.What is your current support system and how is it working for you? 3.How are you handling practical matters?
The first Transition Journey will often take you on emotional roller-coaster rides.
2. Disintegration of a Marriage·6:36
Lesson 2 Briefing - Disintegration of a Marriage
The 3 MAIN STAGES of DISINTEGRATION • 1. Disillusionment • 2. Erosion • 3. Detachment CORE PRINCIPLES ◦ These stages are not linear; relationships cycle back and forth between them. ◦ They are often caused by the failure to successfully handle conflict. STAGE 1: DISILUSIONMENT • Some disillusionment is considered normal for all relationships. • Characterized by feeling unhappy due to false illusions of one's partner and oneself. • Attempts to "fix" the relationship may seem futile. STAGE 2: EROSION • Couples move away from each other and then come back together. • This phase is described as a time of "when" and "if." FOUR COMMUNICATION ENEMIES OF RELATIONSHIPS emerge: 1. Criticism 2. Contempt 3. Defensiveness 4. Stonewalling STAGE 3: DETACHMENT • Marked by feelings of: ◦ Ambivalence/Uncertainty ◦ Anger/Pain ◦ Apathy/Disinterest • Involves the anticipation of possibly leaving the relationship. EMOTIONS DURING DISINTEGRATION • Anticipatory grief and sadness. • Denial that the separation is really happening. QUOTE: “The most beautiful people I’ve known are those who have known trials, have known struggles, have known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.” - Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
The disintegration of a marriage has three major stages that often cycle back and forth.
3. Transforming Loneliness · 5:25
Lesson 3 Briefing - Transforming Loneliness
INSIGHT “Loneliness is a difficult emotion to deal with while going through a divorce that often initiates a grief response.” DEFINING LONELINESS • A complex and typically unpleasant emotional response to isolation or lack of companionship. • Often initiated by the loss of a significant person, which triggers a grief response. • Can be felt even when surrounded by other people. • Includes anxious feelings about a lack of connectedness or community, both in the present and future. CONSTRUCTIVE COPING STRATEGIES • Grow through loneliness to a stage of “aloneness,” which is being comfortable by yourself. • Face loneliness and plan ahead for it. • Develop new social contacts. • Develop a “bridge relationship” with the realistic expectation that it will not become permanent. SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIORS • Engaging in a "bridge relationship" with unrealistic expectations of it becoming permanent. • Drinking or using drugs. • Overeating. • Doing nothing. • Excessive sleep SUGGESTED ACTIVITIES TO DO ALONE • Reading • Working on personal projects • Going to a movie • Eating out • Exercising/working out
Loneliness is a difficult emotion to deal with while going through a divorce.
4. Managing Your Fears· 6:23
Lesson 4 Briefing - Managing Your Fears
DEFINING FEAR • Core definition: “Fear is defined as an emotion that manifests itself with anguish and restlessness and often causes a person to act immobilized due to its intensity.” • Mechanism: It is a basic survival mechanism induced by a perceived threat, causing a person to pull away from the stimulus. • Response: Fear is the ability to recognize danger, leading to a fight-or-flight response. In extreme cases, it can cause a freeze or paralysis response. Common Fears Associated with Divorce • The Future: Fear of an unknown future life, unknown circumstances, and what tomorrow might bring. PERSONAL IDENTITY & RELATIONSHIPS: ◦ Feeling like a failure for being divorced. ◦ The fear of being alone, living alone, and being unlovable. ◦ Dating and the fear of being emotionally hurt again. DECISION-MAKING & CONTROL: ◦ Making decisions independently (e.g., legal, financial, therapy, car repairs). ◦ The outcome of court proceedings. ◦ Losing control of anger. PRACTICAL CONCERNS: ◦ Money issues. ◦ The well-being of children. ◦ Concerns about becoming mentally ill. ◦ Not knowing who to talk to. STRATEGIES FOR OVERCOMING FEAR • Confront Feelings: Practice facing feelings of fear and powerlessness, which is described as difficult but necessary. • Understand for Empowerment: Understanding these fears can be empowering, allowing one to learn more about themselves and how to confront those fears. • Take Action: Any action, no matter how small, begins the process of empowerment and provides a feeling of taking control.
While going through a divorce, fear is an emotion that often initiates a grief response.
5. Multifaceted Nature of Loss in Divorce· 6:41
Lesson 5 Briefing - The Losses of Divorce
CORE CONCEPTS • Divorce and the end of a relationship are fundamentally defined by loss. • Anonymous quote: … "the loss of love is the most painful" of all life's losses. • In the context of divorce, the loss of love is not a single event but is expressed through multiple, distinct categories of loss. THE FIVE MAIN LOSSES IN DIVORCE 1. Relationship Losses: The separation from the meaningful physical and emotional presence of a partner. 2. Loss of Role: A shift in personal identity and the roles one held in life. 3. Material Losses: The tangible loss of physical assets. 4. Systemic Losses: The loss of relationships within a broader social and familial network. 5. Intra-psychic Losses: The internal, psychological loss of dreams, hopes, and beliefs. DETAILED BREAKDOWN OF LOSSES 1. RELATIONSHIP LOSS • Definition: "The separation from the meaningful physical and emotional presence of your partner." • SPECIFICS INCLUDE LOSS OF: ◦ Physical intimacy and touch ◦ A partner in life ◦ Sharing inner thoughts ◦ Planning for the future together 2. LOSS OF ROLE • Core Question: "I know who I was … now who am I" • Specifics Include Loss Of Role As: ◦ A Husband or Wife ◦ A Friend/Confidant to the partner 3. MATERIAL LOSSES • Key Characteristic: "It is the only loss that is tangible." • Description: This involves the loss of material possessions, property, and money. • Emotional Impact: Described as "Very sticky and emotional … often is destructive." 4. SYSTEMIC LOSSES • Definition: "Involves losing relationships including family, friends, in-laws, others." • Key Consequences: ◦ Friendships that were shared may not continue. ◦ Previous support systems may no longer be available for help or assistance. 5. INTRA-PSYCHIC LOSSES / SHATTERED DREAMS • Key Characteristic: Described as the loss that is "often most difficult." • Specifics Include Loss Of: ◦ Dreams for the future ◦ The hope of growing older together ◦ Hopes for a loving family ◦ Beliefs, ideas, and personal hopes A NOTEWORTHY QUESTION And EXERCISE • With some reflection, ask yourself whether there can be any "Good Losses" associated with divorce and if so, name a few. • Name the top two most painful personal losses experienced and the emotions that accompanied them.
In divorce the painful loss of love is expressed not in 1 loss but in multiple losses.
6. The Grieving Process·7:05
Lesson 6 Briefing - The Grieving Process
UNDERSTANDING GRIEF • Grief is defined as the natural reaction to loss. It is a strong, sometimes overwhelming emotion. • The experience is both universal and personal, with individual experiences influenced by the nature of the loss. • Common feelings include being numb, removed from daily life, and unable to carry on with regular duties due to a deep sense of loss. • Experts advise that one cannot control the grieving process and that understanding the source of emotional pain can help in resolving it. THE 5 PHASES OF THE GRIEVING JOURNEY • The 5 phases are best viewed as guides to help understand and contextualize where one is in the process, not as a strict sequence that must be followed in order. • Individuals will likely move in and out of each phase more than once, spending different lengths of time and experiencing varying intensities in each. PHASE 1: DENIAL AND ISOLATION • This is often the first reaction to the end of a relationship, where one denies the reality of the situation. • It is a normal defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock and acts as a temporary response to carry a person through the first wave of pain. • During this phase, people may block out words and hide from the facts. PHASE 2: ANGER • Anger emerges as the masking effects of denial begin to wear off and the pain of reality re-emerges. • This intense emotion is deflected from a vulnerable core and redirected outwards. • It can be aimed at inanimate objects, strangers, friends, family, or, most often, the former spouse/partner, frequently accompanied by resentment. • Feeling guilty about the anger can, in turn, increase the anger itself. PHASE 3: BARGAINING • This phase is a reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability, representing a need to regain control. • It is characterized by "if only..." thoughts, such as "If only we had sought counseling sooner..." • It can involve secretly making a deal with a higher power to postpone the inevitable and is considered a weaker line of defense against the painful reality. PHASE 4: SADNESS AND DEPRESSION • There are two types of depression associated with grieving: ◦ FIRST TYPE: A reaction to practical implications of the loss, predominated by sadness and regret. This includes worries about the costs of divorce or spending less time with others who depend on you. ◦ SECOND TYPE: A more subtle and private experience, described as a "quiet preparation to separate and to bid our relationship farewell." • This phase can be eased by compassion, kind words, reassurance, and having a safe space. PHASE 5: ACCEPTANCE • Reaching this phase is described as a "gift not afforded to everyone," as some may never move beyond anger or denial. • It is marked by withdrawal and calm. It is distinguished from depression and is not necessarily a period of happiness. • Acceptance can be a period of "fresh possibilities for your heart and spirit." • Coping with loss is a deeply personal experience, but others can provide comfort. • The best approach is to allow oneself to feel the grief as it comes, as resisting it will only prolong the healing process. • An important insight is that "Acceptance of what has happened is the door out from the Emotional Journey of Endings leading to the Emotional Journey of New Beginnings."
The grieving process is overwhelming while feeling removed from daily life.
7. Anger: the Good, the Bad and the Ugly·6:37
Lesson 7 Briefing - Anger: the Good, the Bad and the Ugly
DEFINING ANGER • Anger is a normal emotion with an intensity ranging from mild irritation to rage. • It serves as a "warning bell that tells us that something is wrong." • It is a reaction to a perceived threat to "ourselves, our loved ones, our property, our self-image, or some part of our identity." • Anger can also be "an uncontrollable and destructive emotion that explodes when you least expect it." • It is a way to demonstrate "disapproval of how you have been treated." THE THREE COMPONENTS OF ANGER #1 PHYSICAL REACTIONS: The "fight or flight" response, often starting with an adrenaline rush, increased heart rate, higher blood pressure, and muscle tightening. #2 THE COGNITIVE EXPERIENCE: How we perceive and think about what is making us angry, such as viewing a situation as "wrong, unfair, and undeserved." #3 BEHAVIORAL: The way we express anger, which can include turning red, raising our voices, slamming doors, or constructively stating our feelings and asking for a change. THREE APPROACHES TO RESPONDING TO ANGER #1 EXPRESSION: This can range from a "calm, reasonable discussion" to destructive behaviors like yelling, punching a wall, or road rage. It can also involve productive actions like negotiating an apology or solving a problem. #2 SUPPRESSION: This involves "holding anger in, ignoring it, or changing your focus." It can lead to a feeling of something "eating away" inside or be a positive choice to let go of an irritation. #3 MANAGEMENT: Acknowledging anger as a normal emotion and making choices to improve the situation. Neither extreme of blowing up or holding it in is healthy. Best Tactics for Anger Management • DELAY: Allowing the initial arousal to dissipate, such as by counting to 10. • RELAXATION: Using techniques like taking deep breaths or listening to calming music. • DISTRACTION: Getting your mind off the situation by taking a walk or working on a puzzle. • INCOMPATIBLE ACTIONS: Doing something inconsistent with anger, such as "petting a puppy, watching a comedy, or helping someone in need." Impact of Anger on Relationships • Unmanaged anger can "breed fear, anxiety, and anger in the people we care about most." • It can create a personal "cycle of guilt, and regret leading to more frustration and anger." • The impact is both immediate and long-term, affecting success at work, the happiness of a marriage, and a child's ability to succeed in school. • Long-term anger patterns can affect how children behave in their own adult relationships and as parents
Anger is often an uncontrollable emotion that explodes when you least expect it.
New Beginning Lessons 8-12
8. The Power of Forgiveness·6:23
Lesson 8 Briefing - The Power of Forgiveness
CORE PRINCIPLES OF FORGIVENESS A Self-Act: Forgiveness is an act done for oneself, not for other people. Its purpose is to let go of the past and move on. DEFINITION: It is the process of letting go of emotions toward someone who has wronged you. • Divorce Context: The experience of divorce can make it particularly difficult to feel forgiveness toward a former partner. WHAT FORGIVENESS IS NOT To understand forgiveness, one must first understand what it is not. • IT IS NOT FORGETTING: The act did happen, and the lesson should be retained without holding onto the pain. Focusing on forgetting can lead to suppressing feelings, which is not the same as forgiving. Forgiveness is achieved when the wrong can be remembered without resentment or a desire for revenge. • IT IS NOT EXCUSING: We excuse someone who is not to blame; we forgive because a wrong was committed. • IT IS NOT CONDONING: Forgiveness does not condone the behavior, past or future, nor does it minimize or justify the wrong that was done. • IT IS NOT GIVING PERMISSION: It does not grant permission for hurtful behaviors to continue. One can forgive and still take healthy steps for self-protection. • IT IS NOT RECONCILIATION: Reconciliation is a separate decision from forgiveness. A person can be forgiven while maintaining distance. • IT IS NOT JUSTICE: Justice—which may include apologies, punishment, or restitution—is separate from forgiveness. Justice can be pursued with or without forgiving, and one can still choose to forgive even if justice is denied. • IT IS NOT DEPENDENT ON AN APOLOGY: While an apology makes forgiveness easier, one can still choose to let go of negative feelings and move on even if the person who caused the hurt is not sorry. Waiting for an apology risks suffering longer than necessary. WHAT FORGIVENESS IS • A SHIFT IN THINKING: Forgiveness is a mental shift toward someone who has wronged you, resulting in: ◦ Decreased anger and ill-will. ◦ Increased desire to want the best for that person. • A DECISION: At a minimum, it is a decision to let go of the desire for revenge and ill-will. • A GRIEF RESOLUTION: It is a natural resolution of the grief process, which involves acknowledging pain and loss. STEPS IN THE FORGIVENESS PROCESS • Acknowledge your own inner pain. • Express emotions in non-hurtful ways. • Attempt to understand the point of view and motivations of the other person. • Replace anger with compassion. • Protect yourself from further victimization. • Forgive yourself for the role you played in the relationship. • Perform an overt act of forgiveness, such as writing a letter detailing your feelings (this letter is not meant to be sent). KEY BENEFITS OF FORGIVENESS • Fewer episodes of depression • Higher self-esteem • Closer relationships • Better immune system function • Lower blood pressure and lower rates of heart disease • Fewer stress-related health issues THE POWER OF ACCEPTANCE DEFINITION: Acceptance is assenting to the reality of a situation without attempting to change, protest, or exit it. It is a recommended path when a situation is both disliked and unchangeable. POST-RELATIONSHIP INSIGHT: Surviving a breakup can leave a person wiser about what love is and is not. It helps one understand that relationships can end and that love has unforeseen twists and turns. HEALING AND WISDOM: Love is based on a decision to remain steadfast as much as it is on fulfilling fantasies. It is possible to heal and survive loss, and to become wiser because of it.
Anger is often an uncontrollable emotion that explodes when you least expect it.
9. Saying Good-bye·5:12
Lesson 9 Briefing - Saying Good-bye
THE CHALLENGE OF LETTING GO • Divorce makes saying goodbye to things and memories very difficult. • The process involves facing painful losses, but these experiences lead to personal growth. • A key aspect is to not let go of the emotion of love itself, as you will relearn how to nourish it in new, meaningful ways. STRATEGIES FOR GIVING YOURSELF CLOSURE Reframe the Situation • Try to view the outcome in a positive light, even if it takes time. Altering your thinking can help channel emotions. • Consider that the ending may be for the best and could lead to a wonderful new beginning. • Avoid playing the "What could have been?" game. • If closure with a former partner is not possible, you must achieve it on your own to soothe your heart and soul. • Operate under the belief that "Everything happens for a reason" and that when a door closes, it should be closed. PRACTICE GRATITUDE • While anger and resentment are understandable, try not to hold animosity toward a former partner. • Focus instead on appreciating the sweet memories that were shared. • Instead of placing blame, be grateful and prepare to start a new life journey. ALLOW YOURSELF TIME TO HEAL • Giving yourself time to heal is one of the more difficult steps. • You must have the courage to confront the pain and allow yourself moments to cry or feel sad. • Do not hide from emotions or numb yourself with substances like drugs or alcohol; this provides only short-term relief while the source of pain remains. • It is better to sort through the hurt now so it does not reappear later in a new life chapter. WRITE A GOODBYE LETTER • A suggested exercise is to write a letter to your former partner that fully discloses all your thoughts and feelings. • The letter is not meant to be sent; its purpose is to release pent-up thoughts and inner tension. • A "Good-Bye ceremony" is often used where the individual reads the letter aloud and then burns it to finalize the act of letting go. IMPORTANT QUOTES "You probably will face painful losses, … but you will grow from them.” “Don’t let go of the emotion of Love … as you’ll re-learn how to nourish it … in fresh and meaningful ways.” “Just maybe this ending is for the best and it will lead to a wonderful new beginning.” “If you can’t obtain proper closure with your former partner … … then you must do it on your own … for the sake of soothing your Heart … and for the sake of nourishing your Soul.” “Hiding from these emotions or numbing yourself via drugs or alcohol - may make you feel better in the short term, but the source of the pain will still be present.”
Saying goodbye to many different things is very difficult and painful.
10. The Power of Vulnerability·6:42
Lesson 10 Briefing - The Power of Vulnerability
VULNERABILITY AND DIVORCE KEY INSIGHT: After a divorce, it is common to feel vulnerable and find it difficult to be willing to love again and accept the associated emotional risks. QUOTE: “After divorce, you’ll likely feel vulnerable, and it is usually difficult to be willing to love and be loved again and to accept the emotional risks that go with it.” “Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences." DEFINING VULNERABILITY • It refers to a person's or group's risk of being hurt. • It can mean existing without safeguards that prevent physical or legal violation. • It can also describe a person's openness and willingness to risk emotional hurt, such as in loving another person. Core Concepts from Brené Brown NATURE OF VULNERABILITY: While scary, vulnerability is a powerful and authentic way to live. DEFINITION: Vulnerability is defined as “uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.” VULNERABILITY IN LOVE: Love is inherently filled with uncertainties and risks, such as the possibilities that love won't be reciprocated, the person may not be in your life for long, or they might betray you. DEBUNKING MYTHS ABOUT VULNERABILITY MYTH 1: Vulnerability is Weakness. ◦ People tend to appreciate openness in others but view it as a weakness in themselves. ◦ Since vulnerability is the core of all emotions, viewing it as a weakness is akin to viewing emotions as a weakness. ◦ Embracing vulnerability connects people and opens them up to love, joy, empathy, and creativity. MYTH 2: Some People Don't Experience Vulnerability. ◦ Everyone experiences vulnerability because “Life is vulnerable.” ◦ The choice is not if we experience vulnerability, but how we respond when faced with uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. MYTH 3: Vulnerability Means Spilling Your Secrets. ◦ Vulnerability is not about "letting it all hang out" or sharing indiscriminately with strangers. ◦ Vulnerability is about sharing our feelings and our experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them. It embraces boundaries and trust. FIVE WAYS TO BE YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF • BE REAL: State your true feelings, whether you are scared, hurt, or in love. Admit when you don't know something or have made a mistake. • ACT WITH NO GUARANTEES: Commit to taking action rather than remaining safe in your imagination, accepting that you might fail or get hurt. • ASK FOR HELP: Admitting your weaknesses creates space for other people's gifts. • GET REJECTED: Being told "No makes room for the right Yes." • EMBRACE NEGATIVE EMOTIONS: Numbing sadness and pain also numbs joy and happiness. Feeling the full depth of lows enables you to fully experience the highs.
It is difficult to be willing to love and be loved again and to accept the risks.
11. Re-Learning Trust·7:52
Lesson 11 Briefing - Re-Learning Trust
THE CHALLENGE OF TRUST • Re-learning to trust others with your heart is a difficult challenge after a divorce. • Trust is a foundational emotion that is part of every thought and action, yet its importance is often overlooked. • Many people do not have a clear definition of trust or how to create, maintain, or repair it. TRADITIONAL INTERPRETATION OF TRUST: Trust has historically been viewed as a moral issue, indicating whether a person is "good" or "bad" based on their trustworthiness or their willingness to be vulnerable. NEW INTERPRETATION OF TRUST: Trust can be seen as a "risk assessment tool" rather than a moral judgment. This view allows for proactive work in building trust. TRUST AS A PHENOMENON: DOMAIN SPECIFIC: Trust should be assessed within a specific context or "domain." A common error is making a blanket assessment of a person's trustworthiness. For example, trusting someone as a plumber does not mean it is prudent to trust them with tax preparation. STANDARDS-BASED: Assessments of trust are made against standards, which are highly variable and often relate to the consequences of unreliability. For example, the standard for being "on time" for work is much lower than the standard for safety on a plane flight. ASSESSING TRUSTWORTHINESS There are three key elements to consider when assessing trustworthiness: 1. Sincerity: Is the person sincere about their stated intention? 2. Competence/Capacity: Does the person have the skills and capacity to get the job done? 3. Reliability: Based on past-history, how reliable are they? THE COST OF LOW TRUST Many relationship problems can be traced back to low assessments of trust, including: ◦ Lack of honesty or transparency ◦ Withholding information ◦ Resistance to progressing the relationship ◦ Micromanaging ◦ Avoiding direct conversations ◦ Sarcasm and stonewalling BUILDING TRUST: ◦ Make strong, grounded promises that you are sincere about and have the skills to fulfill. ◦ Fulfill promises according to the agreed-upon conditions of satisfaction. ◦ Extend trust to others as a way to learn the degree to which they can be trusted. MAINTAINING TRUST: ◦ Recognize that trust is not a one-time achievement; it requires regular check-ins. ◦ Have direct conversations with the other person about the state of trust. ◦ Rigorously fulfill promises and be honest when accepting or declining requests. REPAIRING TRUST THE ROLE OF APOLOGY: The ability to offer an apology is an important skill for repairing trust. ◦ An apology is not an admission of wrongdoing, but a declaration: "In my view I have unintentionally done something that may have caused you discomfort or harm." WHEN TRUST CANNOT BE REPAIRED: ◦ It may not always be possible to repair trust. Trust cannot be repaired if the other person has not re-earned it. ◦ Sometimes, there may not be sufficient trust to even have a conversation about repairing it. ◦ Declaring the end of a relationship due to a lack of trust can be a legitimate move. IMPORTANT QUOTES "Trust is a necessary emotion that allows us to coordinate action with others.” “Although virtually every relationship claims trust as one of its core values they do not have consistent ways of speaking about it or developing it and thus unknowingly rely on a strategy called ‘hoping trust will appear’”. “The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them” - Ernest Hemingway “You can’t repair trust with someone if they have not re-earned it back … period.”
After divorce, it is difficult to re-learn to trust others with your heart again.
12. Setting Boundaries·5:58
Lesson 12 Briefing - Setting Boundaries
DEFINING PERSONAL BOUNDARIES • CORE PURPOSE: Boundaries are about "Communicating your personal boundaries to others so they understand what is acceptable, safe and permissible ways to behave around you." • FUNCTION: They are personal guidelines, rules, or limits that identify what is reasonable and safe behavior from others. • FOUNDATION: Boundaries are constructed from a mix of beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences, and social learning. • Scope: They encompass physical, mental, psychological, and spiritual dimensions, including beliefs, emotions, and self-esteem. • TWO-WAY STREET: Personal boundaries affect both incoming and outgoing interactions between people. QUESTIONS FOR SELF-ASSESSMENT • Do you have a hard time standing up for yourself? • Do you keep agreeing to do things that you really don't want to do? • Do you tolerate rude comments or pushy people because you can't handle conflict? • Do you take things personally? KEY STEPS TO SETTING EFFECTIVE BOUNDARIES 1. NAME YOUR LIMITS ◦ Identify your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual limits. ◦ Our feelings help us identify what our limits are. ◦ Consider what makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed. 2. TUNE INTO YOUR FEELINGS ◦ Two key red flags that boundaries have been let go are discomfort and resentment. ◦ Resentment often signals that you are being taken advantage of or that someone is imposing their expectations on you. 3. BE DIRECT ◦ While not always necessary with people of similar communication styles, you must be more direct with those from different personality or cultural backgrounds. 4. GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION ◦ Overcome potential pitfalls like fear, guilt, and self-doubt. ◦ Recognize that boundaries are a sign of self-respect. 5. PRACTICE SELF-AWARENESS ◦ Honor your feelings. ◦ If you find your boundaries slipping, ask yourself what is causing the stress or resentment and what you have control over in the situation. 6. CONSIDER YOUR PAST AND PRESENT ◦ Your upbringing and family role (e.g., being a caretaker) can be obstacles. ◦ Assess if your current relationships and environments (work, family) are reciprocal and healthy. 7. MAKE SELF-CARE A PRIORITY ◦ Putting yourself first strengthens the motivation to set boundaries. ◦ Self-care allows you to be more present with others and can make you a better wife, mother, husband, or friend. 8. SEEK SUPPORT ◦ Utilize resources like support groups, counseling, coaching, and good friends. ◦ Practice setting boundaries with supportive friends or family. 9. BE ASSERTIVE ◦ It is not enough to create boundaries; you must follow through. ◦ Assertively and respectfully communicate when someone has crossed a boundary. 10. START SMALL ◦ Setting boundaries is a skill that requires practice. ◦ Begin by setting a small, non-threatening boundary and incrementally build upon your successes. EXERCISE FOR REFLECTION • What boundary is most important to do and why? • What boundary was often broken in your relationship? • What is the toughest part for you in setting boundaries?
Setting personal boundaries for yourself becomes critical to emotional safety.
After the Journey Beyonds Divorce:
What You'll Walk Away With
After completing all the Journey Beyond Divorce video lessons, you’ll walk away with a deep understanding of the emotional landscape of divorce, a clearer sense of who you are, and a renewed confidence in where you’re going.
You’ll come away knowing how to move through grief, anger, fear, and uncertainty with more steadiness … make grounded choices instead of reactive ones … and reconnect with your inner calm, your self-worth, and your sense of hope.
Most importantly, you’ll come out with a more empowered, compassionate way of living each day ...rooted in clarity, resilience, and a genuine sense of inner peace.
Before You Go...
Please know you’re welcome to return to these video lessons anytime you need a gentle reminder that you’re not alone on this journey.
And if you’d like support in integrating what you’re learning, request a Clarity Session with me.
Learn About Beyond Divorce Support Groups
To feel more supported, understood, and less alone during this life transition, consider joining a Journey Beyond Divorce Support Group … a community where you can share your stories and hear the stories of others … and where a renewed sense of hope can begin to return.
You’re never alone. Whether through a Clarity Session or a Beyond Divorce Support Group, a caring hand and a safe space to land are right here, waiting for you.
